Struggles with belief

I just finished a ladies Bible study at my church.  It was a Beth Moore study entitled, "Believing God."  What a timely study it was.  Over the summer, I ran into a mini-faith crisis.  I prayed so diligently, so hard, believing that God would save a 24-week preemie; but He didn't.  At first, when I received the news on Facebook, I prayed because that's what a good Christian does.  But as the days progressed, and each day, this precious little soul survived, I found myself believing more and more that he was going to live and God would be glorified.  So why then did God choose to take this little baby home?  I have no idea.  But I was left behind wondering and asking God a very heartfelt, "Why?"

Just a few short weeks later, I began this Beth Moore study.  The study is based on five premises: God is who He says He is, God can do what He says He can do, I am who God says I am, I can do all things through Christ, and God's word is alive and active in me.  The very first week hit me like a ton of bricks.  Now, you'd think that I, having a Bible College Bachelor's degree and a Seminary Master's degree would have simple, basic faith down, right?   Wrong.  It surprised me too!  The verse that pierced me through the heart was Hebrews 11:6, which basically says, "Without faith, it's impossible to please God," (CSV-Charity Standard Version).  As we watched the video that week, I cried.  I remembered times as a teacher, when my students would ask for prayer for a terminally ill friend or family member, and my unbelieving spirit would think, "We'll pray for that, but I know how that prayer's going to be answered."  Shame on me.  Shame on me!  How could I have been so faithless?  I went home that day and pleaded with God to help me have real, living, active faith.  I prayed that He would forgive my faithless heart and show me His power in my life.  As I went through the last ten weeks of this study, I saw the Holy Spirit convict me on numerous counts...and I thought this study would be a cake-walk!  I think my greatest difficulty is that I put God in a box.  I've said this before, and I really believe it to be true...my Bible College and Seminary training is a blessing and a curse: a blessing because I know a lot about God, and a curse because I THINK I know a lot about God.

I still don't know why God allowed that sweet baby boy to pass away.  I prayed through tears for days and weeks for his little life to be spared.  I didn't even know him or his family, but I was profoundly moved by his short life.  But this I do know, God is good, He is loving, and He is kind, more so than I could ever dream of being myself.  His ways are infinitely better, wiser...etc...than mine.  So while I can't tell you why that little boy had to leave us, I do know this; I'm believing God!