I'm afraid my daughter will die. There, I said it. But really, what mother isn't? In the last two months, I've had two separate dreams about my baby dying. In one, our house was on fire. The other involved drowning. Without getting too graphic, let me just say that these were the worst dreams of my life. I felt entirely helpless. I cried out to God, and He was silent. I felt like my own life was literally being ripped away, and there was nothing I could do but stand and watch. Last night, while lying in bed and praying about this, I instantly knew my problem: I'm afraid that Juliet will die. I'm afraid that God will require more of me than I can bear, and it scares me.
Now, before you all start chiming in that my fears are irrational, let me say, are they really? Off the top of my head, I can think of three families I know personally who've had a child die, including my own husband. Hubs lost his little brother to a car accident when he was eight. This event has shaped his life. As he was eight at the time, he remembers with vivid clarity the details surrounding the crash that everyone else walked away from, except for Kenny. Turning to a more Biblical example, Job was permitted by God to have everything he loved taken from him, including his children. He was only left with his wife and his life. I can't imagine the pain he must have suffered. It's amazing to me that he didn't follow his friend's advice; curse God and die. Honestly, I might have.
I know it's not good to live in fear. After all, God doesn't want that for us. I really don't believe He's sitting up in heaven waiting to strike. He loves us. He is the giver of all good gifts, especially our children who are the greatest blessing of all. At the same time, He is the sovereign giver of life, and He can take away too. It's a paradox I won't pretend to understand. But I do know and believe that He is good, first and foremost and that He loves me. He also loves my daughter, more than I ever could. And although it would be very painful, to be absent from me means that she would be in His presence. It's hard to imagine that someone could love my child more than I do, and yet He does.
I've been meditating on some truth nuggets this morning. You see, realizing that I'm not walking in victory but rather fear, is the first step. Here's what I've been focusing on this morning.
~ For God gave us not a spirit of fear, but of power, of love and of self-control. 2 Tim. 1:7
~ He will cover you with his pinions, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness is a shield and buckler. You will not fear the terror of the night, nor the arrow that flies by day, nor the pestilence that stalks in darkness, nor the destruction that wastes at noonday. A thousand may fall at your side, ten thousand at your right hand, abut it will not come near you. Ps. 91: 4-7
~ Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world give do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid. Jn. 14:27
~ Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go. Joshua 1:9
~ Cast all you anxieties upon Him because He cares for you. 1 Pet. 5:7
~ There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love. (ouch!) 1 Jn. 4:18
~ Finally brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. Phil. 4:8
Bear with me because I'm taking you all along for my personal devotions this morning. I'm guilty. The most convicting of those verses for me was 1 John 4:18. If I'm afraid, I've not been perfected in love. Also, I'm failing to do what Philippians 4:8 commands, to meditate on things that are true and excellent. Peace is what God gives. Fear is not from Him. If I'm living in fear, I'm living a defeated, useless, self-serving life. I don't want that.
I won't pretend that this is over. I won't say I've got the upper hand on this now. I think that this is something I'm probably going to deal with every day of my life. I'd imagine most mothers do. I guess knowing the struggle is half the battle, but the real work lies in the change. If you're so inclined, I'd appreciate your prayers.
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Without getting too much into the details (that would require more space than a comment form allows; trust me), I understand where you're coming from. For more than a year, I lived in terror that my children, whom I loved more than life, would be ripped out of my arms. Court delay after court delay followed. We were literally fighting to protect these three precious little girls from the people who SHOULD have been doing the protecting to begin with--their own biological parents. They hadn't, then couldn't, so we had stepped in, and the girls had thrived. Not mine by blood, but mine by heart...and I was SO scared. We had many people praying for us, but I spent a lot of time with fear grabbing me by the throat. I knew what would happen if the girls left our care. It was unbearable to think of. I was terrified that the original judge, who had stated in our first court appearance that he saw the momentum in the case as being returning the children to their mother, would not listen to a word of our evidence. He was former military; she's currently active duty. We ultimately got a new judge, who saw through the smokescreen of lies and awarded physical custody and shared legal custody to us, when we finally made it to court last August. The custody situation will not change unless someone goes back to court, and quite frankly, neither of the biological parents have the money for that. But I still have my moments when the fear creeps up and grabs me in a deathgrip. In those moments I have to consciously stop and remind myself: the situation is stable. The girls are thriving. No one has filed anything in court behind our backs. We are secure, and the judge assigned to our case is a good one. Therefore, I do not need to fear. For the moment, the battle is stilled. When it resumes again--I am not so naive to think that it won't before the girls are grown--I will have to once again lean heavily on the promise of Exodus 14:14, "The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still."
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