Forgiveness

It's New Year's Day.  This morning as I drove to the gym, I was thinking about resolutions.  I never make them. I mean, I have in the past, but I don't anymore.  It's not that I think they are bad or anything, I just don't make them.  I believe that anytime is the right time to make improvements.  I don't need to wait until New Year's to do it.  Every year at this time, I think about the topic of resolutions.  As I was considering this, my mind wandered to my college days.  I had a great time in college, but the time was as turbulent as instrumental in my life.  My mind specifically wandered to the Dean of women at my school.  As soon as I thought of her, the hair on the back of my neck immediately began to bristle.  Can you tell I didn't care much for her.  That visceral reaction was the result of ten years of bitterness I've been harboring against her, and why?  I mean, what good does it do me to be angry at her?  Maybe she did wrong me, but how does my being bitter hurt her?  Answer: it doesn't.

I've been down this road many times.  I think back to my past to people who've hurt me.  Junior high was particularly turbulent.  Two girls, Rebecca Riske and Kelly Hanner, made 7th and 8th grade a living hell for me (excuse my language).  When I think back to this time and the things they did to me, I will cry, even now, 17 years later.    College met me with some hurts as well.  From boyfriends gone bad to gossip girls in the dormitories, I was confronted with my share of nastiness, unkindness, and cruelty.  And I wasn't totally innocent of those things either.  Not that my entire college experience was bad; I'd categorize it as great as a matter of fact.  But when I glance back in the pages of my mind at that time in my life, a few names stand out.  I was thinking of all these people this morning.  Some I've managed to patch things up with and you will find their names in my list of Facebook friends.  Other, I call good friends and keep their numbers in my cell phone and send them Christmas cards every year.  Still there are others who caused wounds so deep, I haven't spoken to them in years.  For every name that came to mind, their offense came to mind too, as clear as crystal.

I don't mean to harbor bitterness, but sometimes it just happens.  I have a great memory, so I never really forget.  This is my undoing.  Even if I think I've moved past something, if I allow myself to reflect on that memory, all the pain and anger comes flooding back, and that turns to bitterness in an instant.  I'm very aware of this heart problem of mine.  I've nursed grudges since I was a child.  But only recently have I realized the damage that it can do to my relationships.  Case in point: my husband.  One year, he failed to get me a birthday present, not even so much as a card.  We got in a huge fight, and for months after the fact, I said that I'd forgiven him, but I'd bring it up again during the next fight.  Why did I do that?  Simple; because I hadn't really forgiven him.  I think I deal that way with lots of people in my life.  I issue "forgiveness" but silently nurse my secret grudge against them, quietly waiting and watching for them to do something that I can vaguely misconstrue as "mean".  As I was driving this morning and reflecting on all of this, I thought, "This should be my resolution; true forgiveness."

I don't want to be like this.  Having a baby has made me even more resolute in my desire to "kick the habit" of bitterness.  I don't want her learning this from me, or even worse, being the object of my bitterness some day down the road.  That old saying, "forgive and forget" just isn't possible for us humans.  We remember, don't we?  I don't think it's possible to forget, but it is possible to forgive, and CHOOSE not to remember anymore.  When my mind starts to wander to those past wrongs, I need to remind myself that I've forgiven that person and move on to something else.  I can't dwell on the past, or cherish my secret pain.  This is my New Year's resolution.  I'm issuing forgiveness...and I really mean it this time!